Wanna Time Travel With Some Weirdos?
Well hey there Spooky Nerd.
You are either spooky, nerdy, or both, right? If not, you should probably scroll on to some other page. Because this one’s all about a pretty cool—but definitely nerdy—way to explore the dark side of New Orleans. And when we say dark we mean DARK.
Murder. Mayhem. Massacres. Madames and misanthropes. Other spooky subjects that don’t begin with the letter “M.” These are the secret stories Hottest Hell’s guides share with patrons of New Orleans, and they do it so well that we’ve become the #1 rated dark history excursion in the entirety of Louisiana.
How did Hottest Hell rack up literally hundreds of 5-star reviews, thousands of podcast subscribers, and tens of thousands of nerds who sign on to social media weekly to read our FREE snippets of weird history?
Witchcraft.
No, seriously. See, words are spells. And we’ve carefully curated our storytelling to act as a time spell which transports modern nerds back to the deeply disturbing, spectacularly macabre New Orleans of centuries gone by. Because our city was a rouge colony originally built by criminals, prostitutes, mental patients, and a few hundred thousand VERY UNHAPPY enslaved people, the resulting tour is more entertaining than your favorite episode of “The Twilight Zone” and bloodier than a “Saw” sequel.
This is a journey into the black-and-blood-red history of a city so bizarre that famed occultist Aleister Crowley described it as the corner of the United States that even “death has overlooked.”
And every single story we tell during the excursion is TRUE.
No made up vampire tales. No campfire nonsense about dudes with a hook for a hand. (Though we do have a story about a guy who had a wrecking ball instead of an arm. He used to live around Gallatin Street with some prostitutes. It’s in the archives and everything.)
But before you rush to buy your tickets, let us ask you a question…
…Have you stopped to imagine what time traveling with Hottest Hell Tours is like?
If not, let us help:
The sun dips below the horizon as the dazzling Art Deco archway of Armstrong Park glows in the dusk. This is where you’ll meet your tour guide, in a safe and wonderfully well-lit park of town that’s always easy to find. You look back over your shoulder and notice the gas lanterns beginning to flicker and dance across the stucco of buildings of the French Quarter.
The old city has come alive, and you’re about to be lovingly led through it.
On the hour you hear the bells of St. Louis Cathedral, the oldest cathedral in the United States, echo through the humid air. In witchcraft, bells are used to banish unwanted and negative energies. In New Orleans we also use them to wake the dead. From here, your tour begins…
The price tag for this time traveling adventure? Only $29.
At the top and the bottom of this letter you’ll find a big red button that says “Click here to book your experience.” Press that, tell us which date and time you’d like to join us, and we’ll make sure you’re in our Book of Shadows for the excursion of your choice.
Heads up—in order to guarantee an intimate experience we intentionally book fewer guests than we are legally allowed. This is a quality control measure on our part, but it means our available spaces are far more limited than any other tour in town. If you delay, we may not be able to accommodate you until your next visit to New Orleans. If we do happen to be sold out, fear not! We take you having an amazing time while in town so seriously that we’ll happily recommend a company which doesn’t set restrictions on its number of guests. Just shoot us an email and we’ll tell you who we would tour with if we weren’t tour guides ourselves.
A few other notes if you’re still debating whether you want to hit the red button:
We are not the cheapest tour in town! This one is actually more of a pro, because we’ve all learned by now that a slightly higher price point can make a world of difference in terms of the valu. The higher price allows us to keep our groups small and hire true professional guides. Simple. Plus it keeps the very, very drunk and disorderly folks at bay…they want that money for drinking, not spooky history.
This isn’t a haunted house attraction. No one dresses up in costumes and tries to spook you by jumping out of a garbage can…and we think that’s for the best. Though we are entertaining, what we give you is visceral stories and details of true occurrences in New Orleans. We tour the perimeters of the actual haunted sites. But don’t go inside the buildings
A. Because people now live in these places, and
B. This is not a ghost hunt/paranormal investigation/seance. Which leads to the next item.
What if I don’t see a ghost? There is not tour experience on this planet that can guarantee you’ll witness paranormal activity—and if they do, we PROMISE you IT IS A SCAM. Ghosts do not show up on cue unless they’re fake. Sorry.
Now, ghost HAVE been spotted on our tours from time to time. But we’re not going to make unethical promises just so we can get your money. What we can promise is that you’ll see actual haunted locations, and receive the opportunity to have your own personal experience with what you see and feel in these spaces.
What if my guide sucks? A valid concern, and we feel you. Obviously, anything you do is going to require a piece of your vacation time, but you’re likely to spend a longer amount of time waiting your turn to sing karaoke on Bourbon St. than you will spend on this entire tour. Its about the length of a short movie. Except this “movie” is 3 dimensional. So would you rather stand in a crush of bodies waiting two hours to sing “Like a Virgin” and probably forget the words, or would you like to enjoy a novel and exhilarating experience that you cannot have back home?
If you’re still here…
…your gut is likely telling you this is a thing you’d be into. Heck, you’ll probably start following us on social media and it’ll be like taking a little piece of the experience home with you. The truth is, as humans, looking back on our years, we remember life as a series of moments, and those moments are typically the peaks and valleys. Rarely do we recall the mundane details of our day to day, even when on a vacation. So rather than traveling to the most unique city in the United States, and seeking out neutral, creature comforts of home, I invite you create a moment, and allow our dead to remind you of the importance of what it means to be alive. Make your booking, and we will see you out there.
Dreadfully yours,
Why Choose Us:
- Adults-only experience
- Rated 5 stars on TripAdvisor
- Small groups of no more than 20 people
- Our award-winning team of historians and esoteric experts exhaustively research the stories we share
- Decades of combined experience
- Customer safety and entertainment are our top priorities
- No cheap scares or parlor tricks - we keep it real
- Locally owned and operated by New Orleans natives